Training the New Kid on the Block
Leash. A leash is a strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you
want to go when you're out for a walk.
Dog Bed. This is any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room.
Deafness. This is the mode you should assume when your owner wants you to come in and you want
to stay out.
Bath. A process owners use to drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently. Don't allow your owners to dry you with a towel, instead, run to their
bed and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially appreciated just before bedtime.
Drool. Drool is what you do when your owner has food and you don't. This works best when you're
standing as near to your owner as you possibly can.
Fence. A game of skill, the object of which is to get on the other side as quickly as possible.
Sofa. Sofas are to dogs what napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down
the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
Garbage Can. A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity. Stand on your hind
legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers,
beef bones, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.
Trick. Something to learn perfectly, then when your owner tries to demonstrate how clever you are
to someone else, stare blankly back and pretend you have no idea what he's talking about.
A Dog's Eye View of Obedience Class
Heel on Lead. Walk as slowly as you can, then spring forward with all your weight. If your
handler falls, you score 25 points.
Recall. When your handler shouts at you, assume rock deafness. On no account sit in front of
your handler, because he will only make you heel. 25 points if handler loses voice.
Retrieve the dumbbell. On no account fetch it back, because he will only throw it away again. If
he wants the stupid piece of wood, let him fetch it himself. You will be helping to train him not
to throw away things he really wants. You get 5 points every time the handler retrieves the
Sit. At all times, stay one inch away from the ground at the back end.
Conclusion. Do any exercise you choose perfectly. This will leave your handler thinking the
earlier mistakes were his fault and your owner will take you to training class week after week.